1. An exciting first sentence will be a hook
that draws the reader in, making him or her want to read more.
This sentence has a jarring quality that makes us curious and
engaged. It snaps us to attention immediately.
2. The phrasing of this sentence is a little
sloppy. The first phrase is a definite statement, "The first wars
were...", but the next phrase brings up another possibility and
qualifies with the word "perhaps." This writer could have written
the whole sentence in the same tone.
3. The first paragraph should set the stage
with the thesis statement, in which the writer answers the prompt
question. Overall this paragraph hooks the reader in quite well,
makes us curious to see what point the author will bring this
too. Towards the end of the paragraph, though, the reader may
begin to wonder if the listed reasons why war is fought are
relevant. The paragraph seems to end abruptly.
We might expect the thesis sentence here, but it is glaringly
absent. While there is no rule as to where the thesis sentence
must go, we suggest you answer the prompt question in your
introductory paragraph. If you wait, you run the risk of running
out of time before you get to it. An essay that does not directly
answer the prompt question cannot receive a score higher than
3.
4. Avoid needless self reference. A writer
doesn't need to say "I like apples." In fact, it is more powerful
to say "Apples are good." The fact that you think it is obvious
since you are the one writing. This sentence could be rewritten
more powerfully as "Ideally, war would be banished from human
affairs."
5. "It is my belief" is simply unnecessary
here. The fact that you are writing is evidence that it is your
belief. The beginning of this sentence could be rewritten as
"However, fighting a war..." Remember, you only have 25 minutes.
Make every word count.
6. Keywords, like "however," make your essay
smooth and well-organized. Keywords also help you outline to the
reader how ideas are related to each other. In this case,
"however" lets the reader know that the next idea will contrast
with the one before.
7. Finally, here is the thesis! The thesis
statement here says that war is justified when freedom or
survival is at stake. It could be somehwat cleaner, since those
concepts are very broad, but it does satisfy the requirement to
answer the prompt question.
8. Use of specific examples strengthens the
thesis, and therefore the essay as a whole.
9. Another great use of a key phrase: "for
instance." This lets the reader know that the writer is
mentioning this in direct support of what he or she has just
written.
10. This would have been another great place
for a keyword. An also would have fit right in, since this is the
second example of a just war.
11. Another example! Great! Multiple examples
means multiple power for the thesis. Of course you don't want to
just list a bunch of examples. On the contrary, the way that you
tie an example in to your thesis is significantly more important
than how many examples you have.
12. The phrasing of this sentence is slightly
weak. A minor issue, but it can make the difference of a point on
the essay grade if you aren't careful. This sentence could be
rewritten in such a way that the claim "World War II was a just
war" is backed up by the evidence "because the Allies were
fighting to stop Hitler from dominating the world."
13. The transition word "but" helps to
highlight the change of direction.
14. This sentence starts to clarify the
thesis a bit, outlining what types of things are not justified
causes of war, but it could have taken the idea a step further.
Religious freedom is a pretty narrow area, and the sentence seems
non-committal with the phrase "can become unjustified." A
stronger and broader indication of the things that violate this
writer's sense of "just war" would have given the essay more
momentum here.
15. Another place that's begging for a
transitional keyword. "For instance" or "for example" could have
been used here to highlight the fact that this example supports
the change of direction sentence. A transitional phrase would
also emphasize the differences between the first two examples and
this third one.
16. This sentence is unnecessary. The fact
that ethnic prejudice is not the same as fighting for self-rule
or survival is obvious. The author should be applauded for use of
an example of an unjust war to contrast the just ones, but needs
to more carefully express what makes this type of war unjust.
Possible ways of expressing this include: "Those who started the
war were not trying to protect themselves..." or "...their
survival was not threatened, and yet..."
17. This is a weak reference. The author
mentions "massacres" but doesn't give us any other information
about them. The sentence would be much stronger if it started
out, "'Ethnic cleansing' led to..." and then outlined a more
specific vision of the horrors that followed.
18. Overall this paragraph is very
interesting. It brings up some good points, introduces the idea
of a world court, uses specific evidence about the United
Nations, and makes a bold proposal for the future. There's only
one problem. It has wandered away from the main point and
completely ignored the thesis. When you compare this paragraph to
the prompt, you see that this last paragraph goes far beyond the
scope of the ideas asked about. The prompt simply asks about
whether or not war is ever justified, not how to enforce laws
concerning war or successfully mediate disputes.
The conclusion paragraph is your chance to draw everything
back together, sum up your overall ideas, restate your thesis
(which you have now given the audience many reasons to believe),
and make a strong impression. This paragraph, while engaging,
does only the last of those tasks: It does make a strong
impression, and it is well written. It just meanders off in a new
direction, away from what should have been the point of the
essay. Remember the golden rule of conclusions—never bring up a
new idea!
19. Despite the problems with the paragraph,
the last sentence ends the essay in a very satisfying manner.
20. What keeps this essay at a 4, despite the
author's clear grasp of some logical organization, good sense of
style, and good use of supporting details, is the lack of focus,
which results in an argument without a strong conclusion. Stay on
topic.